Nina's First Anniversary

On January 1st of last year Nina joined her place in our family, it was the first time that all 5 of us were together. Ellie was so excited to meet Nina, she could not believe that she was real and not just a girl on a picture or someone she had seen through a computer screen. Nichole was not sure of the new little girl that was hanging around. Andy and I were just happy to be together after the long emotional process of adoption. And Nina, she was scared, she was so scared. She did not know what it meant to be have a family, she did not understand our speech, our ways, and the details of our world.

When Nina arrived, she was behind Nichole in development in all aspects except her ability to talk, and unfortunately, our languages were different. She was 3 1/2 years old, but her development seemed to be that of a typical 18 month old. In amazement, we watched her go through baby stages and quickly move on to a toddler stage, and now a little girl. Although she is still not your typical 4 1/2 year old, the difference in this little girl is astounding!

Those first few months were hard. They were really hard. For Nina, for Ellie and Nichole, for us as parents, but especially for me. My love, patience, compassion, and gratitude were tested every day, and I failed many times. I felt like a failure as a mother, not being able to love and help Nina as I had hoped to do. Over time, as we began to know each other, we began to refer to Nina as our "Fiery Furnace" for God was using her to stretch us and teach us about His heart and His unconditional love.

As Nina's speech developed and we began to be able to communicate, Nina was able to share with us about her life as an orphan, and about the things that she feared and the life that she lived. She was able to tell us about her excitement over having a family, and we would hear her saying, "Nina, happy girl!" We were able to get to know one another better, and to learn to fall in love with one another.

We have asked ourselves, "Where would Nina be if we had not adopted her?" "What would her future been like if she had grown up in her country?" What a different life she would have had, with little hope and no future. But what about us? Where would we be if we had not adopted Nina? Sure, life would be easier, a lot easier. But what about us? What about our hearts? What about our ability to love? What about being conformed to be more like Christ? As much as we saved her, she has been a tool of transformation in our lives. She has expanded our hearts, and she has brought us great joy.

If you were to meet Nina today, you would be amazed at the fact that she has been with us for only a year. Her speech really is phenomenal, and she is a charmer. She thrives in praises and affirmation. Her little heart's desire is to make us laugh and to hear us call her beautiful. She is unusually good at sharing and she wants to help any way she can. Which as you can imagine, makes it easy to want to love her. She loves hugs and kisses, and to be cuddled.

It still amazes me to think that there was a child of God forgotten at an orphanage, sentenced by her disability, and out of all people, God chose us to be her parents, not her biological mother, and not another adoptive family, but us. He did not bring her to us through birth, but He grew her in our hearts. Half-way across the world He called to us, "Will you love one of mine? One that has been discarded? A daughter that I deeply love?" We responded to God's call, and what a blessing this journey has been for all of us! And although it has been hard, we would do it again, and again.

What a wonderfully testing year it has been, how we have been transformed, and how we have been falling in love. We treasure our Ukrainian princess, and we could not do life without her. She belongs with us, she is our daughter.

Adoption: Love Grows

In February I wrote a post about adoption and falling in love. Loving Nina has not been the same as loving Ellie or Nichole. There is so much about Nina that we don't know, whereas there is not a thing about Ellie or Nichole that is a secret to us. We have always been there.

Nina has been with us for five months, but Nina and I go back before arriving home. We shared two weeks together as we were finalizing the adoption in Ukraine. One would think that those two weeks were wonderful as we were getting to know each other; the foundation of our relationship. Those weeks were indeed the foundation of our relationship, but they were not wonderful. Those two weeks were the toughest, most discouraging weeks in my mothering journey. Every night as I listened to 2 or 3 hours of constant crying I would think about the day, and the many ways in which I had felt rejected. I felt like a failure, a rejected failure, and we were trapped in a little apartment with no place to go.

I understand why Nina was having a hard time, but unless you have experienced this first hand, nothing can prepare you to how it feels to be rejected by the child you worked so hard and passionately to save. It doesn't matter how well you understand it in your head, the feelings will still cling heavy on your heart. Whenever there was a Russian or Ukrainian speaker around, Nina wanted nothing to do with me. The more time we had together, the more she rejected me, the more she cried for other people. Three times she asked other women to take her, that she wanted them to be their mommy and not me because she could not understand me. They were familiar, I was not. Again, although I understood her feelings, mine were crushed and I wanted to run to my girls, the ones I had not seen for seven weeks and wanted me.

Once home there was no Ukrainian or Russian around thank goodness! Many people would offer having "so and so" help us because they spoke Russian. Let me think about that for a second... No thank you!

But my relationship with Nina did not just suddenly change. When your heart has been deeply hurt, it takes time to heal. I found myself being less patient with Nina, expecting more, and getting frustrated easily. I felt guilty about that. One day as I was spending time with God, praying for my children I though about Nina. I started to cry and I went to her, held her and cried some more. I asked for her to forgive me for being impatient with her, for not being more gentle. I told her that I loved her and that she was mine. It was a beautiful moment.

Then surgery happened and Nina was thrown back into the same behaviors she was having during those 2 weeks in Ukraine. She cried constantly and would ask for the workers in her orphanage by name. She wanted nothing to do with me...once again. Emotionally I was depleted, I felt like I had nothing to give. I had just begun to get up and was knocked to the ground once more.

Then one night she woke up spitting blood and we were back for another surgery. She was air lifted and I had to drive hour and a half to get there. Even though it was hard to have them take her and for me to stay behind, I actually felt like I could take a deep breath.

As we were coming home for the second time from the hospital, I asked a nurse to be with Nina while I got our things ready to go. I wanted to cry, dreading to go home and face life with a child that would reject me once more. God knew what was needed, and He sent the Russian speaking lady. He sent her for Nina and for me, because He is a God that restores relationships, or in our case, creates new relationships.

As I look at my journey with Nina, this is the one most significant moment we have had. This was the day that Nina chose me for the first time in her life, this was the moment that Nina realized she belonged in our family, and she wanted that. Nina wanted her mommy. And although at the moment I did not realize the significance of what took place, now I see it for what it was. It was a new birth.

(And if you did not read that post, click on the previous paragraph's highlighted words or clickhere)

Adding a new family members takes time to adjust. Weather it be a baby or an older child. A family has to learn to function with more people, it is not as simple as adding one more, but the family dynamics change and everyone has to adjust.

Nina is discovering what family is, and she is blossoming in her new understanding. She cherishes it.

Somehow, Nina is not just the little girl we are trying to include, she is a part of us now. We have six months to look back, and although not long, it is a history within our family. We know her favorite color and that she loves balloons. Although much of life is new to her, she finds comfort in us.

Before we met Nina, we had created a character of who we imagined her to be, one that pushed us to get her home. The love I have for Nina today, would have pushed me so much harder, because it is a love that has cost many tears, and therefore, great joy as it has grown.

Yes, she is my daughter, not born from my womb but from my heart. The love I felt for Ellie and Nichole as they were born is the love that has been born from me towards Nina. She is a without a doubt a"new baby" to me, to my heart.

She is mine.

Adoption: Falling In Love

Our dear friends, the McLelands, adopted a baby girl not even a year ago. Bill said to us shortly after they had gotten her home, “I didn’t know if it would be possible to love an adopted child as much as your biological children, but we love this baby girl, it makes no difference how she came into our family, we love her just the same.”

“You love them just the same.”

“I bet she fits perfectly in your family.”

“It must feel like she has always been a part of your family.”

Often, when I hear statements like these I think about McLelands, knowing they can wholeheartedly agree. But when those statements are said to me, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know the right thing to say is “yes.” It makes me wonder if adopting an infant is different from adopting an older child because I am still in the process of getting there, I have yet to arrive.

I love Nina. There is no doubt about it, but I cannot say that my love for her is the same as it is for Ellie and Nichole. When the girls fight, my first instinct is to side with Ellie and Nichole, or to comfort them first. I find myself being less patient with Nina, or feeling annoyed when she wants to join in if I try to have one-on-one time with one of the other girls. At times, it even feels like I am babysitting some else’s child.

The truth is, adopting an older child for us was not love at first sight, but rather, a journey of falling in love.

For almost 4 years, we lived without Nina, and she lived without us. We have come together, all of us, with our past. We have different languages, different cultures, different rules. We are just getting to know each other. At times I am sure she is confused, and she does not understand what is happening in her new world. At times I am confused and I do not understand why she acts a certain way. Our communication is broken in many ways as we try to understand each other. Nina is learning what it is like to have a mommy and a daddy and sisters. She is just discovering that we really are her promise of forever; we will never walk away from her, never. She is learning to trust.

Adoption is a journey of falling in love, for all of us. A journey with highs and lows as we walk along the path. And we are falling in love.

Nina smiles, she gives us hugs, she signs “I love you,” and says “I lou wu” She makes silly faces and thrives in our praises.

Nina is a precious little girl. She is sweet and charming. She has brought so much joy into our lives and she has shown us much about God’s heart as Heavenly Father. Our family needed Nina, in more ways that we will ever understand.

And we are, we are falling in love, madly in love with this little girl.

Adoption: When You Meet The Child You Have Been Dreaming About

The anticipation was overwhelming. I thought the moment I finally laid eyes on Nina would be one of those moments that you never forget, one of those moments that are etched in your heart forever and become one of the most joyous and sweet memories of my life. I wondered if I would cry that first time and if she would feel the same bond I already felt. Would she be able to sense all the love I had for her?

Although we were able to move through the adoption process quickly, the waiting seemed too long, and our desire for Nina to be a part of our family grew stronger and stronger as the days went by. My love for her was so intense that it pushed me to get things done and to be relentless when it came to the paperwork nightmare. I cried many tears in frustration but I would do whatever I had to do to get my daughter home and out of the orphanage.

Someone said to me along this process, “You love them just the same as if they were your own.” When I heard that statement, I could not have agreed more.

The day we walked into the orphanage for the first time my stomach was in knots. I did not know what to expect but we were so excited to see our beautiful girl.

Workers came in and out of the room we were sitting at. It took me a while to realize that the little girl that one of the workers held in her arms was Nina. I had seen them walk in the room and had even made eye contact with her, but I did not recognize her. All I saw was an orphan with a misshapen head and lost eyes.

“That’s Nina” I said to Andy

“I know” he replied

We both saw her, we both stared, we both held our breaths. We did not have to say it, because both of us were shocked at her appearance and demeanor. She looked different than the pictures we had seen.

Reality stepped in, it sat next to me, and it held my hand.

The worker sat next to us with Nina in her arms. Andy and I tried to interact with her, but she seemed so lost. They told us she was nervous and that she was acting shy. They assured us that she was smart and outgoing. But regardless of what they said, what we saw was much different. We saw a girl with vacant eyes and what appeared to be a great cognitive delay. Her behavior made me question if she had autism as well. The most interaction we got with her was when I showed her my camera, and she offered a lost smile. (You can watch that video here)

Back in our apartment in Kyiv, Reality accompanied us. Andy and I questioned if we were making the right choice. The child that we had met seemed to have many special needs that would require work and attention. Was it fair to Ellie and Nichole? How would they be impacted by having such a low functioning sister?

Most of all, Reality explained to us that we never had loved Nina at all. What we had come to love so strongly was the “idea” of who Nina was. The Nina we had created in our hearts and minds had pushed us to come this far. Without her, we wouldn’t be there. But that Nina had to go, because the real Nina waited for us.

Fear then knocked on the door. We cracked the door open a little and asked questions, because Fear was right, we knew so little about Nina, and so little about the future. We had no idea what life would be like with Nina in our family, and we had no way to predict how she would affect her sister’s lives. But before Fear could come into our apartment we were reminded of this: “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.”

We thanked Fear for coming, for making us think, and we closed the door.

God had been in the adoption process all along. He had showed us His love and mercy in ways we had never seen or experienced before. The ways He had chosen to show Himself to us were a clear indication that this was what He wanted us to do. We were scared, and we often thought of Fear, but we had a promise. The promise that God would walk with us every step of the way.

Over the next weeks we would have to get to know this little orphan girl, one that would soon become our daughter. We had to learn to love the real Nina, the one who so desperately needed us, the one that we had come to save.

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Andy wrote about the same in his annual report, to read his perspective, click here.

It has been a month

I have had Nina with me for a month (yesterday). Time went by so quickly, yet, our time in Ukraine is still tainted with raw feelings of the emotional hardships. It feels like our life together really started when we got home. We have had 2 wonderful weeks as a family!

Please understand, my time with Nina when it was just the 2 of us was great, but the emotional journey that the rest of our family took during that time was very hard. Being in an unfamiliar place where people spoke Nina's language which made her reject me at times made it hard too. It is good to be home!

Nina is doing fantastic. She is picking up on English quickly and she is showing us more and more of who she is. She has many words and is even starting to put 2 word sentences together with the words that she knows. Things like "Nina eat" "sit here" "follow me" "no touch" "I try" etc.

Two days ago she really got interested in using her walker and she is doing fantastic with it. She finds great joy in her accomplishment and thrives in Andy and I encouraging her and delighting in her. Even while Nichole follows her around trying to take the walker while saying, "Mine!"

Being delighted in. What a wonderful feeling for Nina, there are people in her life that delight in her. She is loved, she is wanted, she is celebrated. Just like her sisters.

Becoming a Family

It has been only a little over a week since Nina and I got back home. I will honestly say that it is nice to be away from Russian speaking people. Nina showed a marked preference for those she understood and it is important for her to be attached to us, we are her family. I know she gets frustrated with the language barrier, but at the same time, she is picking up on English quickly.

Some of her phrases in English are, "Oh goodness!" "No touch," "It's okay" "I know" "Nina play" "Baby Signing Time" "I love you"

And she has many words.

Nina no longer cries or screams at night. She has found great comfort in the fact that Nichole is right there in the room with her in a crib next to hers. It is what Nina was used to. Nichole is having more of an adjustment as Nichole talks and talks to Nina until they both fall asleep. Tonight, Nina gave us kisses and she waved "paka" at Andy and I as we laid the girls down to sleep.

When we were in Ukraine, Nina did not want much to do with Andy. She was okay playing with him and sitting next to him, but touching or holding were very hard for her. As soon as we got home and Nina saw her sisters love on their daddy, and their daddy love on them, she decided to give Andy a try. So after one day, she became a daddy's little girl.

That first day together (January 1st) Andy rolled on the floor with the girls, Nina joining in the fun and tickles. Andy and I looked at each other for a moment. Understanding in our eyes, our hearts full. This is what we had been dreaming for, this is what we wanted to do for this once orphan girl, now our daughter.

There has been adjustment at home. Some very good and some hard. The 3 girls are getting to know each other and they have good moments and not so good. Nina is not very affectionate (due to the orphanage) and has a hard time accepting physical love especially from Ellie. I am sure she never received any form the other kids. Ellie has a very hard time being rejected, pushed, hit, or hair pulled by Nina. Nichole is jealous and yet Nina seems to follow Nichole quite a bit, she likes her very much. They are at about the same developmental stage. Nichole is more advanced except for speech, so they play well (next to each other) but Nina is quickly catching up as she learns and explores the world every day.

Andy and I feel exhausted by the end of the day, but we seem to be more disciplined in some areas (because we have to!) However, if you feel like helping us clean our house, you are welcome! The pile of dishes is high and the bathrooms and floors need some cleaning :)

So finally, here are some pictures of our family! (Mainly the 3 girls)

There is a Difference

Today Nina and I got to go to church with our missionary friends. I had arranged for the cleaning lady to come at 11:00 so that we could be out of here by the time she showed up. Well, today she came early right as we were getting our coats on. She felt comfortable enough to not only tell me what Nina should be wearing or not wearing, but to even grab clothes for me. Finally I was able to explain that we were riding a car, not walking, this also after she told me I should have a stroller and not carry her in the sling. She is nice though, I should have thought about the fact that we won't see her again and given her a hug. We were, however, 15 minutes late.

At church Nina was very out of sorts, and once the music started she got very scared. She only wanted Kim, not even me. I am okay with that. Kim can talk to her and Kim understands her. I think Nina found great comfort in knowing that Kim could tell her what was going on and could use words she understood to comfort her. I also know that it is part of the adoption process. No, she does not have a close bond with me yet, that will come with time. On the meantime, I am happy that Kim was there for Nina.

We then ate at McDonald's and Nina got some balloons. I have been working on colors and surprised everyone by saying "yellow" while asking for the yellow balloon.

We got home and took a nap. For dinner we had our McDonald's leftovers as well as some soup.

Tomorrow we have a long and busy day. We will be picked up at 7:30 a to go apply for the Visa. We then go and have a medical done for Nina and take the results back to the Embassy. Then we go eat lunch and return to the Embassy and wait until they give us our Visa. We come home, eat some more, hopefully see our friends one more time, pack and sleep a little. Then at 2:30 am we are picked up and we start our journey back home. I hope Nina is tired and sleeps lots!

So all those are our prayer request for now. I hate flying and now with the new incident I am even more weary, so I will appreciate all your prayers for a safe travel.

Our friend Frank who was here adopting, got to meet Nina when we were going to the orphanage to visit our girls. he had just watched the last video I had here and he said that she looked like a completely different little girl than the one he saw. I have had Nina for 13 days, it is amazing what 13 days can do.

So here is a video comparison. The first one is the very first video of when we first met Nina, and the second one I quickly took while she was eating her leftovers and watching Baby Signing Time.

More on Language

Today you get two posts. In a way this is my journal, so there is not such thing as too many posts.

This afternoon Nina and I got to go have dinner with some other friends that are adopting through Reece's Rainbow. They also have their little girl with them and she is so cute!

The weather here in Ukraine is kind of crazy right now. It was warm today, enough to start melting all the snow, but there was a lot of snow, so the roads, and sidewalks (remember these are used as roads too) are a slushy mess! As we were walking, we quickly realized that there was no other option but to walk through water. Enough to cover our shoes and soak our pants. So we walked with our girls and made it to the restaurant, only to find out that it was closed for some reason. So we ventured next door to an Italian place. Nina ate some, but she was more interested in playing with a water bottle, and with the salt and pepper. Go figure.

As we left the restaurant, we realized it was raining! So we tried to be quick and avoid the Babushkas :) So there was no yelling this time. I do have to say, that I have friends that have lived here in Kyiv for years and they still get yelled at by the Babushkas, so I am not taking it personal anymore :)

We came home and Nina was ready to take a bath. I took a video right before her bath, and I realized that it had much to do with language. Even though Nina does not say lots of words in English, she is repeating, and she does use some English words with me. Now, you will notice she says something that sounds like "go potty." That is what she really is saying, however, I am positive she has no idea what it means, or she just thinks it means something different. Maybe bathroom door? Or bathroom? Not sure, but she sure is cute! So here she is, English, cuteness, and all!

Language Barrier

Russian or Ukranian; it is all the same to me, but not for Nina.

Today the housekeeper came. She offered for her to stay with Nina so I could go shopping because I don't have warm clothes for her...they are just different from what they wear here, I have realized that it doesn't matter what she wears, they just don't think they are good enough because they wear different clothes. If only they knew it gets a lot colder in our neck of the woods than here! Besides, I don't know her, I cannot really communicate with her, I would not leave Nina and go somehwere.

However, as soon as the housekeeper walked into the room, Nina was excited. Not just a little excited, but very excited. It didn't matter what we were playing with, she wanted to show her, to talk to her. She spends all day with a mama that can't understand her, and that she cannot understand, but here comes lady who she can actually talk to!

It did make me a little jealous, she definitely does not talk to me like she does to the housekeeper, or Kim and Jerry. I understand why, but it is a little hard to see. At least with Kim and Jerry they can tell me what they are talking about. With the housekeeper I am clueless! I realized that I could have very well left and Nina would have been fine. Not that I needed to, or that I would be comfortable with that, but Nina would have been fine.

I know Nina was singing songs and saying rhymes with the housekeeper. That worker at the orphanage really did care about the kids, she did her best to teach them things. Nina is Ukranian after all, this is her culture, and she knows it. She is not just an orphan girl with no idea about the customs and traditions.

It was a reminder that Nina's world is changing, and that it is hard for her. Do I think she likes having a mama, and that she is happy with me? Yes I do. Do I think she is having a hard time transitioning? Yes I do.

It is part of the process, and we take it one day at a time. The more she hears English the more she will pick up words her and there, and eventually, her Ukranian will be gone. It is kind of sad.

On the meantime, I am glad that she can have those connections and that she can talk to other people.

Also, she seems to be getting a cold. Please pray that she gets better and stays healthy!

And we have poop!

Yes, what you read has really happened, and I cheered and did a happy dance for Nina. She has been with me now for 6 days, and yesterday, finally, for the first time, she pooped! I knew she had to, and I knew that she was a little miserable, but like most women she just did not feel comfortable at a different place and she couldn't go. She wanted to, but she couldn't. And if you are smiling shaking your head is because it has happened to you too!

It is the reality of adjusting to a new life and that she is still not completely comfortable with me, we are still just getting to know each other. So now that she knows that it is okay to go, hopefully she will be okay with it.

She is still not eating much. Just juice and cheerios and unfortunately we are out of bananas. I do hope to get some soon! That is all she wants to eat, and well, I am okay with that, it will at least keep her fed and she should not get sick on the way home.

It is snowing here in Kyiv and it is cold. The coldest and snowiest it has been for many years. They don't know what to do and they don't have the equipment to keep the roads and streets clear. It is making a lot of things stop and supposedly that is part of why we don't have our tax code yet. But, I do know that it is causing a lot of problems in Ukraine. No, it is no snow like in the Midwest, but still, there is lots of snow and it really is cold!

Nina is no longer screaming when I put her to bed, not crying either, but she just lays awake for a long time, last night it was 2 hours and 20 minutes. She does feel for me at night to make sure I am there and every morning she gets up and checks to make sure I am there. She then asks to play with the cell phone, then the alarm clock, then she lays next to me for some kisses. And she smiles. Then it is time to get up and get some breakfast. Tea and cheerios. This while watching Baby Signing Time and...she can even say it!

She tries to imitate a lot of things that I say and she talks a lot. Funny, Andy and I wondered if she talked at all, but she really does. She has a few words and they sound so cute with her Russian accent. She is doing better at paying attention and playing with me, but she still gets overstimulated and starts throwing things and gets out of control, which is my cue to let her be and give her some space. Her naughty is her way of telling me that she has had enough (I think) Unfortunately she can only give me so much time without getting to that point, so at times I just talk to her while she plays on her own, that seems to work well.

And, here is another video of Nina, she was again turning the lights on, but she was talking more to me and interacting a little bit. I was bummed I turned the camera off right before she said "Baby Signing Time" for the first time! She calls it music too, because she just loves to listen to the music, I have tried other music or one of the other Signing Time DVDs, but no, she only likes the one. She is learning words watching it and listening to it. More than the signs, she is learning the words.

As for prayer request, tomorrow we are hoping to get the tax code, so it will be a hard day as I wait for the phone call or call myself. If it comes in the morning we can apply for the passport, and possibly give us a chance to come home on Christmas day. If it comes in the afternoon, we will not be home until the following week (because the embassy closes for Christmas Holidays)

And why is it a hard day? Because you hope, you hope and pray so much that you will get good news, and when it doesn't come, you hit bottom, and it is very hard to accept. I know that this is precious time with Nina, but please understand that this is hard, and sometimes it is just nice to hear people say, "It sucks." Last week this happened every day, as every day we were told tomorrow. It is a fragile place to be emotionally. But you can pray for strength and encouragement.

I am thankful that you have followed our journey, it does mean so much. We feel like you have wanted to take a part in the journey too, and somehow we don't feel alone. We are so thankful for you, and we thank God for showing us His love through you too.

The Outing Adventure

Today Nina and I left the apartment for the first time since Tuesday. The cleaning lady was coming at 11:00 am and we were supposed to be gone. My plan was to go get money, go to the toy store, get something for Nina and then swing by the grocery store and come home. I figured the venture would take an hour.

So at 10:45 we started getting our coats on. Here in Ukraine they are very particular about how you dress children, so I decided to go with the flow and put some extra clothes on Nina. She wore thermal underwear, a turtle neck, a sweatshirt, and a sweater, and 2 pairs of tights. A scarf, mittens, hat, snow pants, winter coat, and her shoes. I of course, was dressed warm and had my winter coat on.

Then came the sling so I can carry her (I considered bringing a stroller, and I am so glad I didn't, there is no way you can push a stroller on this streets when there is snow, no way!) Well, I hadn't thought much about wearing a sling when you have so many clothes on, and quickly realized there was no way I could get Nina right on a hip carry. I had to do a front carry, and if you think about it, even babies get to be too long and their legs get on the way. But that was the only way I was going to be able to carry her.

This I must say, took us about 30 minutes. As soon as we stepped outside and the snow/ice was falling, I realized my plans would have to change. We would go to the grocery store (about a block away) and come back home.

Did I say Ukranians are particular about how to dress their children? Well, they are also very particular about when you take your children out, and today was a day where children simply do not go anywhere but stay home. half a block away a lady approached me to tell me so. I smiled and told her in my poor Russian "I don't understand" and kept walking.

We walked in the store and the couple of ladies at the door gave me disapproving looks. Fine with me. We got our groceries (thankfully they had cheerios! but no bananas, we need to find bananas) As I was paying 3 ladies were talking about us, I could see them pointing at Nina, her feet (she was wearing warm shoes, but no boots, big mistake) and were definitely talking about what a terrible mother I must be.

(Should I actually admit the next part? Sure, I will) So I started to talk to Nina too, in a very sweet voice, I do promise that. "These ladies are so rude Nina! They need to mind their own business, they don't even know how many clothes you are wearing and if they are saying you should be walking well then, they really do need to mind their own business. Can you say rude Nina? Say Rude?"

I hate to admit this, but it made me feel better, and I promise I was just talking to Nina with a sweet sweet voice. I did say thank you as I left :) And now you know that pastor's wives are normal people too!

We walked back home, we were only gone for 15 minutes and the cleaning lady was here. The first thing she said? Something about Nina not being dressed warm enough or that she needed boots. I tried to explain to her she had three layers on her feet besides her shoes, but how do you say that?

She came later and asked Nina if she was cold, I could tell, thankfully Nina told her she was not and well, the girl was sweating! She asked Nina how old she was and when Nina said 3, she told me she should be walking and not carried in a sling, I tried to tell her she couldn't, not sure she understood.

So she cleaned with us here and eventually we started to talk. She realized that Nina spoke Russian, actually, she told me Nina speaks more Ukranian than Russian and she taught me a few words. Then she saw Nina get down and noticed her legs and asked about it. Once I told her Nina had Cerebral Palsy it was almost like I had grown another head, from all the children I could have adopted, why that one? And then it made sense I had her in a sling. So I showed her pictures of our family, and when she saw Nichole and asked if she had Down syndrome, I think she said I was very unlucky and that it was too bad, she was sorry. Sad that here so many people look at children with special needs that way. I told her that we loved it, and that we don't care. (All of this of course, is interpretation and actions and facial expressions)

Overall, she was great because she helped me with some words around the apartment, and she thought my accent was pretty funny. I am pretty sure she asked Nina if she understood her mama, and Nina said no. Well, she will eventually.

She also asked me how old I was and was very surprised when I said 28, she said I looked like a child. Then she also asked me if was pregnant...I hope it was the layers I have on and not that I am looking a little bit rounder around my mid-section. When I said no it didn't even face her, maybe here people do not get offended by someone saying "you have a belly!"

So Nina told the lady she wanted eggs. I made her some. Well, of course I make things different than what she has ever had. Not sure how she has eggs. Also, I need to be careful because evrything I give her she dumps it in her drink. So, she put half her eggs in her tea, yeah, pretty gross. Sometimes she actually eats things like that (like she put in mashed potatoes in her apple juice and actually ate it the other day)

I am thankful we know she likes cheerios, right now that and juice is all she eats. We are out of bananas, or she would have some too. Well, I suppose she has had some soup and she eats that pretty well with some bread in it.

Okay, this is a long post, but this is life for us so far. I do hope the weather gets nicer so we can go get some new toys, we are running out of ideas of what to do and I can only carry her so far with the sling. Not much to do with children here, we really have never seen very many children around.

Tired Mama

I am a tired mama. Nina is still not sleeping well and therefore neither am I. So if I am tired she has to be tired too. I know life is so different for her, sometimes it sounds like she was crying in her sleep, it really is hard because I wish I could talk to her and understand what she says. Maybe help her work through her feelings. All I can do is pray and ask God to meet her and to calm her heart and all her fears.

Thanks to our friends I was able to learn a few words in Russian and last night after a screaming child that did not want to go to bed I finally said, "Go to bed, do you understand!" All in my broken Russian. She said no, I said yes, and that was that. At least she stayed in bed, still screaming, but she stayed in bed.

Today we discovered a food she likes...cheerios! Oh where will I find cheerios here? I need to go hunting for them.

She is a sweet little girl, and again thanks to our missionary friends we have learned some things about her. She likes dogs but not cats. She thinks she has a nice mama. She likes to play. We also know that she says, "Give me!" a lot, and "I can't" Life will surely change once she has sisters to compete with an a mama that will not allow her to use her disability as a crutch.

She is a lot like a baby or toddler. All about maikng noise, and shaking things like rattles. Everything goes in her mouth. In most ways Nichole is ahead of her, the difference is that Nina can talk, and well, Nichole can sign! But, I do think as Nina is home with us she will start to develop and eventually be close to her peers, we will see, we are just happy that we finally get to call her our own.

So even though the days have been trying with her, it is wonderful to have this connection, that we can get to know one another. Then when we get home at least our relationship will be a little more established, especially when we get to the wonderful craziness of extended family.

On a different note, Nina is cross eyed, and she will definitely need glasses or even surgery if it is bad enough, not sure. Glad we know a great Opp-tometrist!

Still no new on the tax code. I guess their phones are not working and our facilitator is on his way to the town where it needs to be picked up. If he does get it, they will call me and get a taxi for me so we can apply for the passport. We are praying it does work out!

And here are some pictures of Nina :)

These are pictures I took for her passport. She was not supposed to smile, I took lots of them until we found one that will work.

With her binky, I do think she finds comfort in it, and I am okay with her having it, when she is 4, and she understands English, we will wok on being done with it, for now, she needs it! And this is a new one I bought, the one we got from the orphanage was in rough shape, it was about to break into pieces.


And here is a little video where you can see a little bit of how CP affects Nina. Her legs are "bent" and she can only stand on her toes since her feet cannot go flat on the ground. It is pretty impressive how she can get up and move with her legs like that (which is why there is no "I can't do it!")

More on Nina

Our friends from Kyiv have been missionaries here for a year, but they were missionaries in Russia before and their Russian is great (even if they say it is not) so the last couple of days they have come to see Nina and I and I think Nina loves having someone she can talk to and understand each other :)

She is picking up some words, and she tries to repeat many of the things that I say, which is great, now she just needs to know what they mean.

There are a few things that she says she cannot do, like getting down from the couch, or picking up a mess she has made. I don't know if she used this at the orphanage for attention, or if she was told that. But she will soon learn that she can do it! And she better do it or she will have to go to the naughty corner. Now things that are really physically impossible of course we will not make her do.

Eating and sleeping are still our struggles. No nap today, but, she did have some rest time/quiet time. That is good for me, now I only have to fight a bed time.

So far, tea and bananas are the food of her choice, and some instant soups that Kim brought for us. Today I got her to have a little of my peanut butter and jelly. This time she did take a couple bites. Who can resist a PBJ sandwich?

She loves music and she sings quite a bit, it is sweet. I have tried to get it on video and she stops as soon as she sees the camera.

On a different note. Having her with me makes me miss my girls and my family so much more. I am homesick and discouraged as I have heard nothing about the tax code. Please pray, I guess it could still be here, but if we don't get it before Christmas, who knows when I will be home because the US Embassy closes for Holidays. So pray pray pray.

We just want to be home.

Getting to know each other

Nina and I have been getting to know each other. It has been fun and I am a full time mommy again, it means I take naps when needed, which sometimes could mean every day :)

Last night, after 2 1/2 hours Nina finally went to sleep. It had taken me many minutes to realize that she was asking for a pacifier (many minutes, but not many hours!) And she likes her pacifier, she actually keeps it in her moth all night long which of course is a lovely noise I am not used to hearing at nights. She also does an exercise routine in her sleep (I am sure of it!) So I did not get much sleep. However, this morning she woke up, looked around and then saw me...she smiled. Maybe going home with her mama had not just been a dream.

Well I am not getting the food department right. She is not eating very much but she is at least drinking. She asks me to give her who knows what to eat. My hope is she gets hungry enough that she eats what I am making her. I think at the orphanage they ate one thing only, and I do not make that one thing.

She also is testing it all! And discovering what mamas do. She hurt her finger, and I had responded by kissing it before. Oh my, little dramas going on here (they last all but 1 second) but she has figured that I come to her and kiss her "owies."

We are also finding humor in the little things, as we both understand regardless of language. Things like bodily functions, which my 4 year old finds amusing too. And just to let you know, "acky" is not a good term to say something might taste bad, because it is too close to the slang in Russian for "poopy" which will make a 3 year old laugh so hard she will pee her pants! (Well, at least we are using diapers still!) I bet you all wanted to know all of this :)

Nap time again was hard. I wonder why she does not like to sleep. Maybe it is still too different? But still, I think she likes being here. She feels loved!