We Couldn't Be There

We are not sure how much Nina understands the English language. Sometimes it seems like she has a great grasp, while other times we wonder if she understands what we are asking or saying to her.

We are still puzzled by her behaviors at times. What seems a normal situation, can send her into her own world, where she can easily be irritated or upset. This times are hard for all of us emotionally. It makes us wonder what exactly took place at the orphanage, and what her life was like.

I shared in a previous post, that the first time I walked into Nina's room, they were not expecting me and I was sure that a little girl was going to be tied down to the smaller wooden pen. I saw this same little girl being smacked across the face and her ear pulled as she was dragged to a chair because she was not fast enough. never mind that she too has Cerebral palsy and could not walk. The impatience and lack of love were heart breaking. Praise God Oksana has a family waiting to go get her!

I tried to teach a worker how to feed a little boy with Down syndrome by helping support his jaw. She said she had not time for that and shoved the food into his mouth. His eyes watering and gulping, gasping for air, maybe even aspirating with every spoonful going in his mouth. He too has a family ready to come get him.

I saw other children treated harshly and being punished. And I saw more. And what I saw will forever be in my heart, and it will remind me that these children live in dark and scary places, and that those with special needs are abused even more, because it is easier to hurt those that are weaker.

Nina's recent reaction to having her braces put on, along with other behaviors, made Andy wonder if Nina had been tied to her crib as punishment. We have found out that it is not the braces that make her cry, but rather having her lay down and getting them strapped on her, the noise of the Velcro, and having something that "restricts" her body. Once she is up and walking, this is not an issue.

A friend who is also adopting from Ukraine wrote on her blog, "We showed up unannounced one day at the orphanage. All the children were in the big wooden playpen. They were all tied to the slots of the playpen so they couldn't move. No wonder they didn't want us to come in the room."

So we asked Nina today about her life at the orphanage, not sure if she understands us, not sure if she knows how to communicate with us.

"Nina?" I asked, "Were you tied down on your crib? Did you have to lie down and they would tie you?" She looked at me, a sad expression, her little lip came out, and the tears started to come, she said softly, "yes." And she cried some more. I held her so close to me, wishing I could take that away from her, wishing that somehow she had not had to go through that. Andy asked her why they did that. "Nina naughty, Nina naughty." She responded.

We were not there to protect her for the first 3 years of her life. She has gone through so much in her short life, and there is nothing we can do about it. We will never be able to take that away. We can love, and we can pray, that is what we can do.

I think of how we almost allowed money to be an issue. I think of how I almost said Cerebral palsy was too much for me to handle. Those things are so insignificant now, so small.

My heart breaks for orphans around the world. My heart breaks for my daughter. And it aches, oh how it aches, that there were times where she was tied down to a crib, treated like an animal, starved of comfort or love. Never again, never again. Our loving arms will wrap her close, and whisper how much we care.

Today I was her mother, I felt it. I will protect my sweet girl as best I can.

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You can find many waiting children with special needs on Reeces Rainbow. They all need a family, they all have suffered enough!

Adoption: Falling In Love

Our dear friends, the McLelands, adopted a baby girl not even a year ago. Bill said to us shortly after they had gotten her home, “I didn’t know if it would be possible to love an adopted child as much as your biological children, but we love this baby girl, it makes no difference how she came into our family, we love her just the same.”

“You love them just the same.”

“I bet she fits perfectly in your family.”

“It must feel like she has always been a part of your family.”

Often, when I hear statements like these I think about McLelands, knowing they can wholeheartedly agree. But when those statements are said to me, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I know the right thing to say is “yes.” It makes me wonder if adopting an infant is different from adopting an older child because I am still in the process of getting there, I have yet to arrive.

I love Nina. There is no doubt about it, but I cannot say that my love for her is the same as it is for Ellie and Nichole. When the girls fight, my first instinct is to side with Ellie and Nichole, or to comfort them first. I find myself being less patient with Nina, or feeling annoyed when she wants to join in if I try to have one-on-one time with one of the other girls. At times, it even feels like I am babysitting some else’s child.

The truth is, adopting an older child for us was not love at first sight, but rather, a journey of falling in love.

For almost 4 years, we lived without Nina, and she lived without us. We have come together, all of us, with our past. We have different languages, different cultures, different rules. We are just getting to know each other. At times I am sure she is confused, and she does not understand what is happening in her new world. At times I am confused and I do not understand why she acts a certain way. Our communication is broken in many ways as we try to understand each other. Nina is learning what it is like to have a mommy and a daddy and sisters. She is just discovering that we really are her promise of forever; we will never walk away from her, never. She is learning to trust.

Adoption is a journey of falling in love, for all of us. A journey with highs and lows as we walk along the path. And we are falling in love.

Nina smiles, she gives us hugs, she signs “I love you,” and says “I lou wu” She makes silly faces and thrives in our praises.

Nina is a precious little girl. She is sweet and charming. She has brought so much joy into our lives and she has shown us much about God’s heart as Heavenly Father. Our family needed Nina, in more ways that we will ever understand.

And we are, we are falling in love, madly in love with this little girl.

Adoption: When You Meet The Child You Have Been Dreaming About

The anticipation was overwhelming. I thought the moment I finally laid eyes on Nina would be one of those moments that you never forget, one of those moments that are etched in your heart forever and become one of the most joyous and sweet memories of my life. I wondered if I would cry that first time and if she would feel the same bond I already felt. Would she be able to sense all the love I had for her?

Although we were able to move through the adoption process quickly, the waiting seemed too long, and our desire for Nina to be a part of our family grew stronger and stronger as the days went by. My love for her was so intense that it pushed me to get things done and to be relentless when it came to the paperwork nightmare. I cried many tears in frustration but I would do whatever I had to do to get my daughter home and out of the orphanage.

Someone said to me along this process, “You love them just the same as if they were your own.” When I heard that statement, I could not have agreed more.

The day we walked into the orphanage for the first time my stomach was in knots. I did not know what to expect but we were so excited to see our beautiful girl.

Workers came in and out of the room we were sitting at. It took me a while to realize that the little girl that one of the workers held in her arms was Nina. I had seen them walk in the room and had even made eye contact with her, but I did not recognize her. All I saw was an orphan with a misshapen head and lost eyes.

“That’s Nina” I said to Andy

“I know” he replied

We both saw her, we both stared, we both held our breaths. We did not have to say it, because both of us were shocked at her appearance and demeanor. She looked different than the pictures we had seen.

Reality stepped in, it sat next to me, and it held my hand.

The worker sat next to us with Nina in her arms. Andy and I tried to interact with her, but she seemed so lost. They told us she was nervous and that she was acting shy. They assured us that she was smart and outgoing. But regardless of what they said, what we saw was much different. We saw a girl with vacant eyes and what appeared to be a great cognitive delay. Her behavior made me question if she had autism as well. The most interaction we got with her was when I showed her my camera, and she offered a lost smile. (You can watch that video here)

Back in our apartment in Kyiv, Reality accompanied us. Andy and I questioned if we were making the right choice. The child that we had met seemed to have many special needs that would require work and attention. Was it fair to Ellie and Nichole? How would they be impacted by having such a low functioning sister?

Most of all, Reality explained to us that we never had loved Nina at all. What we had come to love so strongly was the “idea” of who Nina was. The Nina we had created in our hearts and minds had pushed us to come this far. Without her, we wouldn’t be there. But that Nina had to go, because the real Nina waited for us.

Fear then knocked on the door. We cracked the door open a little and asked questions, because Fear was right, we knew so little about Nina, and so little about the future. We had no idea what life would be like with Nina in our family, and we had no way to predict how she would affect her sister’s lives. But before Fear could come into our apartment we were reminded of this: “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.”

We thanked Fear for coming, for making us think, and we closed the door.

God had been in the adoption process all along. He had showed us His love and mercy in ways we had never seen or experienced before. The ways He had chosen to show Himself to us were a clear indication that this was what He wanted us to do. We were scared, and we often thought of Fear, but we had a promise. The promise that God would walk with us every step of the way.

Over the next weeks we would have to get to know this little orphan girl, one that would soon become our daughter. We had to learn to love the real Nina, the one who so desperately needed us, the one that we had come to save.

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Andy wrote about the same in his annual report, to read his perspective, click here.

It has been a month

I have had Nina with me for a month (yesterday). Time went by so quickly, yet, our time in Ukraine is still tainted with raw feelings of the emotional hardships. It feels like our life together really started when we got home. We have had 2 wonderful weeks as a family!

Please understand, my time with Nina when it was just the 2 of us was great, but the emotional journey that the rest of our family took during that time was very hard. Being in an unfamiliar place where people spoke Nina's language which made her reject me at times made it hard too. It is good to be home!

Nina is doing fantastic. She is picking up on English quickly and she is showing us more and more of who she is. She has many words and is even starting to put 2 word sentences together with the words that she knows. Things like "Nina eat" "sit here" "follow me" "no touch" "I try" etc.

Two days ago she really got interested in using her walker and she is doing fantastic with it. She finds great joy in her accomplishment and thrives in Andy and I encouraging her and delighting in her. Even while Nichole follows her around trying to take the walker while saying, "Mine!"

Being delighted in. What a wonderful feeling for Nina, there are people in her life that delight in her. She is loved, she is wanted, she is celebrated. Just like her sisters.

Becoming a Family

It has been only a little over a week since Nina and I got back home. I will honestly say that it is nice to be away from Russian speaking people. Nina showed a marked preference for those she understood and it is important for her to be attached to us, we are her family. I know she gets frustrated with the language barrier, but at the same time, she is picking up on English quickly.

Some of her phrases in English are, "Oh goodness!" "No touch," "It's okay" "I know" "Nina play" "Baby Signing Time" "I love you"

And she has many words.

Nina no longer cries or screams at night. She has found great comfort in the fact that Nichole is right there in the room with her in a crib next to hers. It is what Nina was used to. Nichole is having more of an adjustment as Nichole talks and talks to Nina until they both fall asleep. Tonight, Nina gave us kisses and she waved "paka" at Andy and I as we laid the girls down to sleep.

When we were in Ukraine, Nina did not want much to do with Andy. She was okay playing with him and sitting next to him, but touching or holding were very hard for her. As soon as we got home and Nina saw her sisters love on their daddy, and their daddy love on them, she decided to give Andy a try. So after one day, she became a daddy's little girl.

That first day together (January 1st) Andy rolled on the floor with the girls, Nina joining in the fun and tickles. Andy and I looked at each other for a moment. Understanding in our eyes, our hearts full. This is what we had been dreaming for, this is what we wanted to do for this once orphan girl, now our daughter.

There has been adjustment at home. Some very good and some hard. The 3 girls are getting to know each other and they have good moments and not so good. Nina is not very affectionate (due to the orphanage) and has a hard time accepting physical love especially from Ellie. I am sure she never received any form the other kids. Ellie has a very hard time being rejected, pushed, hit, or hair pulled by Nina. Nichole is jealous and yet Nina seems to follow Nichole quite a bit, she likes her very much. They are at about the same developmental stage. Nichole is more advanced except for speech, so they play well (next to each other) but Nina is quickly catching up as she learns and explores the world every day.

Andy and I feel exhausted by the end of the day, but we seem to be more disciplined in some areas (because we have to!) However, if you feel like helping us clean our house, you are welcome! The pile of dishes is high and the bathrooms and floors need some cleaning :)

So finally, here are some pictures of our family! (Mainly the 3 girls)

The Journey Home: Reunited

As soon as we landed I tried to call Andy but I was getting his voice mail right away. I called my sister and told her we were home, my voice cracking with emotion.

Nina was sleeping and I decided I would just cover her with my winter coat, I did not want to wake her up getting her own winter gear on. I carefully laid her down in the wheelchair and she was able to sleep as we raced through the halls.

As we approached entered the elevator that would take us to the baggage claim, more tears made their way down my cheeks. I would see my family soon.

As we walked out the sliding doors I frantically started searching for Andy and my family. I saw him standing across the baggage claim carousel with my friend Leah, both of them trying to find me.

I did not care if I made a scene, I yelled, "Honey!" "Andy!" He turned and saw me waving like a fool. I looked over at the nice man pushing Nina and motioned for him to follow me. I ran. So did Ellie, straight into my arms!

"Mommy" she said in her sweet voice. "Why are you crying."

"Because I missed you so much sweetie!"

And we hugged some more.

Then I saw my husband, oh how I love him and how I missed him. We hugged and cried into each other's arms. Nichole slept on his chest.

After a while Ellie asked where Nina was. I told her she was in the wheelchair, underneath my coat. Ellie lifted it gently and looked at Nina.

"Oh She is so cute!" she said. "Oh Nina! You are real!"

Yes, Nina was real. She really had a sister. And in no time Ellie woke her up.

Andy's sister and her husband (Amy and Ben) were there too. And Ellie told Amy that Nina was really real.

My dad and sisters were there, and so was my mom and her friend.

We were finally together.

The long journey home had brought us there, to the airport. Such a magnitude of emotions rushing in. if only those watching knew what was taking place. But we knew, and that was all that mattered.

We are home!

And thanks to my friend Leah here are some pictures of our reunion.

The Journey Home: Frankfurt, Chicago, and Minnesota

We landed in Frankfurt. The plane burst into applause. If only the pilot knew our stories, he would know that in fact, this was cause for celebration.

Next to me in the plane sat a Ukranian lady who lived in the United States. Both, her Ukranian and her English were perfect, and she helped me so much with Nina too. As we made our way out of the plane, my two angels waited for me to help. We found a wheelchair and got Nina situated as we made our way to the Lufthansa booth to arrange our next flights.

As we got there, my angels made sure to tell the Lufthansa workers that I had a child with a disability and that I needed help. A woman quickly came and got me to a waiting area. She took my previous flight itinerary and our passports and promised to get back to us with our new flights. We did not have to wait in line. It was a huge blessing, however, it left me unable to talk through options with an agent.

A few minutes later a nice lady came and asked me to follow her to a small room. As we entered she explained to me that there were no more flights to America that night, and we would have to spend the night in Frankfurt, which meant Nina needed a visa for the night. I then asked what time our flight would leave. 2:10 pm she said.

I looked at her, tears threatening to come out. I tried to push them back but they burst out, fast. They exploded. In a matter of seconds I was sobbing loudly and there was the nice Lufthansa lady along with the Visa employees dumbfounded at the crazy woman's reaction. All along I was trying to say "I am sorry" for such an outburst.

When I settled down, the nice Lufthansa lady asked, "I am sorry, but why is this so upsetting to you?" Oh I don't blame her! I would wonder that too if a stranger had such a meltdown in front of me. So I explained to her that we had been stuck in an airport for 2 days, that I had been gone from my family for 45 days, and that I had hoped to get on their 8:30 am plane, or at least keep my original flight at 10:30 am.

She was a compassionate woman, and she empathized with me. Somehow she understood that this was hard. So looked at other options and came back saying she was sorry, it was all they had and I was lucky I could get in a flight the next day. They had even had to switch airlines for us to go back home. She had arranged a hotel stay for us with our dinner and breakfast taken care of. She had even brought an overnight bag for me. I asked about my luggage, she said I did not have to worry, she would take care of that. And they drove Nina and I to our hotel.

We ate.

We slept.

The next morning we woke up and got ready, had breakfast and headed to our ticket booth. The man behind the desk spoke Spanish and thought it would be fun to practice his Spanish with me. He then informed me we were only on stand by, we did not have set tickets. "I have been gone 46 days away from my family, please. Can I pay more for a ticket?" He smiled. "I am working the gates, so I get to make those decisions, don't worry, I will give you a ticket." So he got us settled and on our way home.

The flight was long. Nina did fantastic.

Chicago welcomed us with a wheelchair and with Nina becoming an American citizen. We went through shorter lines reserved for those with disabilities and were able to do all the immigration stuff in no time.

We even had time to get some french fries at Macdonald's!

We boarded the plane and were finally headed to Minnesota, to see our family!

The flight is short. By the time you are up in the sky, it feels like you are ready to land.

"Ladies and gentleman," the pilot said over the speaker phone, "We will be arriving in 19 minutes at the Minneapolis airport."

The words wrapped around me, in a friendly and welcoming hug. I again started to cry. Oh I was crying hard, shaking, trying not to wake up Nina who was sleeping in my arms.

We landed, emotion washed over me once more.

There was only one thing in my mind. Get out of the airplane as soon as possible, and run through the airport until I saw my family, hoping the wheelchair was waiting for us. It was. I told the man to run with me, and he did.

We were home! Our family waited for us somewhere in the same building. I had to run!